How I became a citizen of the world and why is it a problem (CR pt. 3)
I would be a fool to say that I am not grateful for the many travels I had in the past, especially in the current situation of the pandemic. Nevertheless, sometimes I feel so confused as to where I belong in this world and, for that, I do blame the abundance of experience I’ve had.
First of all, I have to say a big thank you to my parents who, since I was around 8 years old, cared enough and wanted me to see and comprehend the world, broaden my horizons and become more open-minded. They have definitely succeeded in that one. I travelled to Europe, Asia, Australia and Latin America (even if it was just a single country representing a certain group), so I got to meet people who are different in every way possible. I had to go through misunderstandings and confusion while communicating with them, but, in the end, I enjoyed how my knowledge of the world was constantly changing.
Also, I must confess as to how my tolerance has evolved. Before any travelling was done, I had only lived in a very small town, in the middle of nowhere, far from any action. My perception of the world was limited to some old books, my conservative family and even more conservative surroundings (aka teachers, family friends, etc). I remember the first time we travelled abroad. It was to England where we studied English for 4 weeks in some sort of a summer camp. I remember how puzzled I was when I learned that in some households people have strong rules about the time they had dinner and something about not putting your legs on the couch. What limitations to simply watch a TV! Then I learned about traditions that belong to certain cultures, such as 5 o’clock tea which I fairly enjoyed. When we went from Salisbury (where we spent the first 2 weeks) to London, I learned about the freedom and vastness of a big city and forever fell in love with the capital of Great Britain. Alongside the great love, I did see some nasty things, problems on the streets and got a glimpse of the dangers of being alone at night. But I didn’t care, I liked the international aspect of my trip: London was so flamboyant and diverse, I saw the strictness and stiffness of the London police who kept an eye on us during field trips, I saw people of different skin colour for the first time in my life, I saw the misconceptions and the anger of racism (which I could not understand and saw right through the inequality there). It was a trip full of surprises, what can I say! And there were many other trips like that one.
I particularly remember a trip to Japan which shocked me by its acceptance of everything natural (aka sounds, smells and the rest), by their obedience and hard work throughout their lives, by the cleanliness and a weird (for me) interpretation of everything sexual.
My Australian summer camp for learning English turned out to be the very first little step into interracial relationships. I had a Polish boyfriend with whom we had some similarities in terms of languages’ origins, adjacent history and some geographical likeness. Nevertheless, I realized the importance of mastering a common language (in which you communicate with your partner), the calmness and forbearance of dissimilarities in childhood memories (cartoons, books, even music). Never in a million years would I have thought that being aware of the existence of his favourite childhood bedtime story was so crucial to our relationship. Of course, you can grow to like and sympathize with his favourite characters from the book, but it’ll never bring out the same nostalgia.
My Colombian experience has only confirmed my view of those relationships. It was easier this time: I had already seen some parts of the culture, I had gotten acquainted with some folklore beforehand and I had a large support group represented by my friends. On the other hand, I had a new contemplation ahead of me: of the LGBTQ+ community. I had heard about that before, but I never knew how I would react. Maybe I was saying that I would be fine, but it wasn’t true. I had no idea. But it turned out to be perfect: years of getting to know the world had opened my eyes enough to understand that love is love, no matter who you feel it towards.
There are many other experiences that I can describe, but, for the sake of my main objective here, I will just say that I realized this: love is love, colours are just colours, respecting and listening are obligatory, you know nothing no matter what you think.
So, how is this magnificent wisdom a problem?
Well, now I feel like I am a citizen of the world, I belong everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I can find a company, a friend, a conversation to participate in anywhere I go. Unfortunately, I don’t feel at home in any of these places, even in my own house, in the house of my parents where I grew up. For my provincial life here I am too open-minded, a devil promoting ideas of sex, love and rock-n-roll. Well, I promote nothing more than doing what you want with your life, love for whoever you want and maybe tattoos. There are some guys like me, but we are a true minority in this citadel of traditionalism. Moreover, I am so aware of other cultural backgrounds, such as music, books and movies, that I can’t stop sharing it with everybody. Sadly, no one gets it. My music is too revealing and unconstrained, plots are too foreign (and sometimes are non-existent in Russian). I’m stuck. I’d love to share what I know because the world is so beautiful, there is so much to see, but I’m limited to the consciousness of another person. To be honest, I still do it anyways, in hopes of slowly opening the minds of everyone around me.
Also on the other hand, whenever I travel to another place where all my ideas and beliefs resonate with people, I am deemed too conservative, still. I do have my strict idea of a ‘traditional family’, patriarchy. I was raised with the acceptance of a family where the man is the provider and the woman is the carer. That’s how it was all my life and that’s how I want my life to be. As a result, I get schooled on my archaic picture of the world and blindness towards a vice versa version of such a family. Also, I am completely blind to and ignorant of feminism. If anyone can explain it to me, please, I beg you.
Do you see now what I mean? I sort of see, accept and understand everybody, which makes me absolutely unsuitable for any of social groups. And the sense of belonging, the necessity of such is running deep down in my veins (as well as in everybody’s, frankly speaking). I would love to fit somewhere. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to limit myself to fit into a perfect box of one part of my beliefs and completely discard another part.
Anyways, deep down in my heart, I believe there is such a group of people, full of all sorts of ideas, contrarieties and love of a weird concoction of world’s differences.
